Thursday, May 6, 2010

Thirsty Thursday

First of all, this post has nothing to do with alcohol.

Actually, this post has nothing to do with anything really. I am currently biting my cyber-tongue.

You see, I have issues.

Issues like I ran out of deodorant in between armpits on Sunday morning, which meant that one armpit smelled powdery and clean like the Dove deodorant that it was sporting, while the other armpit smelled like Hubs and his tangy Speed Stick (because we had to be on the road in 5 minutes and its summer in the south, you know). The issue is that today, both of my armpits smell like Hubs and his tangy Speed Stick. Because, I haven't put Lazy in timeout and brought Proactive out of the closet yet and bought more deodorant.

Who knows if my armpits will ever again smell like powdery Dove? Who. knows.

I also have issues like I should actually be doing something about these 5 L.B.s that I want to rid myself of than daydreaming about magically being 5 L.B.s lighter without having to do anything (like getting off the couch and actually moving for once). Or, maybe if those 5 L.B.s could just migrate to the chest region, that would show that issue where to stick it. Maybe Hubs should invent a fat migration thingie that wouldn't require any cutting or slicing or dicing and zero recovery time. We could be MILLIONAIRES!

I have issues with my inappropriate outbursts at work. Like its probably not the best idea to yell, "You suck balls!" at the community laptop with your boss training a new (and impressionable) employee in the next room. But no matter what else I try, there are no other words or phrases that quite adequately express my true feelings in a moment like that simple and degrading statement.

I have issues with politics. Its. Just. Not. Worth. It. I am now apolitical. Thanks!

I have issues with blogs (but not with yours, dear reader) right now. I find so many of them to be boring (yawn) and a waste of the infinite cyberspace (and, that's saying something).

And now, I'm unleashing my tongue:

(Warning: Do not read beyond this point if you have any sensitive feelings about the Twilight Series. And by sensitive, I mean that if you in any way, shape or form loved that series, you should not read past this point.)

This is a rant about Stephenie Meyer and her stupid Twilight books (I warned you!).

A little background:
I put off reading these books for the longest time--through workshop after workshop of fellow students who whined and complained about her poor writing and weak characters and sloppy plot line and the fact that all of that badness rolled into one has made her a millionaire. But the news coverage of hundreds of screaming teenage girls and their mothers practically clawing off their faces in excitement for the release of books 3 and 4 haunted me until I finally vowed to see what all of the hysteria was about.

I read the first book. In two days. And not because it was that great, but because I was trying to get to the my-life-has-changed-forever-because-of-this-book part.

Hmm.. I never got to it.

(Nice) Thoughts:
-Mrs. Meyer had a good idea
-Mrs. Meyer knows her audience and knows how to satisfy them

(Truthful) Thoughts:
-I hated most everything about the majority of her main characters. In fact, the only characters that I actually believed and liked were Sheriff Swan, Carlisle and Rosalie.
-I did not like Bella at all. She was such a cliche. Cliche: Her pale skin that never tanned (like we didn't know right then that she would eventually become a vampire). Cliche: Her aversion for blood (give me a break..). Cliche: Her accident-proneness that often resulted in blood spurting from her body within the vicinity of a hungry and/or "new" human-abstaining vampire (ookkk). Cliche: Her rekindled childhood friendship with Jacob Black, who just happened to be a part of  a tribe that also just happened to be the fated enemies of the bloodsuckers. Blah, Blah, Blah.
-Edward: his description did not sound at all attractive to me; he was kind of corny (and yes, I know that he was from the early 1900s, but you would think that he would have picked up some of the newer lingo, right?); he seemed more like an animal to me than a bloodless monster
-Mrs. Meyer's vampires: I did not like most of her vampire characteristics. I did not like the fact that they were hard as stone, cold as ice, without blood, didn't have to breath, could run faster than the speed of sound, didn't have to sleep (break out the caskets!! just kidding...), etc., etc. I could quite honestly go on and on.
-My main issue with all of her vampire characteristics was that she made her vampire characters appear so human (feelings, looks, interactions) that to remove so many of those familiar human characteristics from them made it too unbelievable for me. I know, I know. Its fiction/fantasy, you aren't supposed to believe it because it isn't true. But that is where I disagree. The whole reason you read a book or watch a movie or see a play is because you are willfully believing (in make-believe) that what is happening on the page or on the screen or on the stage is real and that those characters are people or that those people are not actors, but they are in fact those characters that they are portraying. Confused yet?

My point is that I was not at all willing to believe that those characters were who they (or she) said they were. And the movie, which could have veered enough from the plot and characters to be good, failed.

I read the 2nd book soon after the first and that was the worst of both.

How convenient that love triangle between Bella, Edward (the vampire) and Jacob (the werewolf and the vampire's mortal enemy). Cle-Ver. But, not really.

And the acting in the movie. Ew. Not good.

So the whole reason for this rant was to set the stage for my final issue:

I had the best dream the other morning where I was a vampire. I don't remember my dreamself being made of stone or not having a pulse, and I definitely needed to breath. But, I do remember being hot and muggy and miserable. So, I asked my fellow vampire (who happened to be one of my coworkers) why I was so hot. I said, "I can't be hot right now. I'm a vampire! And the Twilight books said that vampires are perpetually cold and made of stone. I should be cool and comfortable right now and not hot!"

Needless to say, I woke up in a bad mood because I allowed Stephenie Meyer's ideas of vampires and what they are and are not made of determine my very first experience as a vampire. And it was a bummer.

Side note: Although I did not venture beyond the 2nd book, I know that Edward impregnates Bella in the 4th book. How could a being made of stone with ice cold skin and no blood harbor sperm? Just asking!

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