Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Because Sometimes I'm Just a Big, Fat Snob

(DISLAIMER: You may or may not completely and utterly hate my guts upon reading this post. Just saying.)

It is oh so true that sometimes I can be a Snob (notice the pretentious capitalization of the word; its like that).

Hubs and I sat down to list out all of the areas of my life in which I am a Snob (which he likes to point out and laugh about because I am ridiculous and he loves me for it) or take on Snobbish tendencies or the totally unqualified and Snobby, preconceived notions I often harbor.

The list was long (embarrassingly long, even for a Snob) after which Hubs decided a list of those things about which I am not a Snob would be much easier, much shorter and yet, still Snobby.

So, here is the list of the things about which I am not a Snob:

1. Cheezits - They are just too fantastically cheesy, salty and crunchy that to not love them with one's entire heart and soul would be a tragedy.

2. Ramen noodles - A childhood addiction that has carried over into adulthood, because nothing satisfies my need-to-gnaw-on-a-salt-lick-taste buds like those sodium-filled noodles of yum.

3. Shells and Cheese - Notice the cheesy, full of sodium trend here? Its bad!

4. I love Rite Aid brand products. There are zero Snob-feelings towards that magical Rite Aid brand salve that I slather all over my face twice a day. It is made of miracles and rainbows and baby bottoms.

5. Workout clothes--I live in them. Literally. And I don't care what you think (because I'm a Snob), because I meant to wear these workout pants even though I have no intention of working out.

6. The only makeup that I wear is face lotion, mascara and chapstick.

Well, that about sums up that list.

Now, on to a few of the things that allow me to call myself "Snob."

1. I am a huge grocery store Snob. I only like Publix, Earth Fare and Whole Foods. If I cannot shop at one of these 3 places, I will only buy brand name items and will gawk over the produce and meat selections until I can talk myself into actually touching either.

2. If I buy canned anything, it is brand name. And the only canned items that I buy are black beans, whole, peeled tomatoes (because if Giada and Barefoot Contessa can do it, so can I!) and sometimes if its the dead of winter and I can't get the fresh stuff, canned corn. And, Hubs and I do enjoy canned tuna, but only the kind packed in olive oil that costs $2.50 a can.

3. I do not go to Walmart for two main reasons. Reason 1: That store is entirely too big for its own good. And now, they sell caskets (freak-y). Reason 2: The people that shop at Walmart. Because for most of those people, going to Walmart is there one trip "out" for the week. And that is sad and oftentimes makes for very strange people, who I always seem to have run-ins with and would not want to meet in a dark alley or come cart-to-cart with in any Walmart aisle.

4. I may love TJMAXX, but I love it for its brand names. I will not buy anything from there unless it is a brand that I could buy in a reputable department store.

5. You would not catch me dead in the Junior's department of TJMAXX (am I crossing a line here?).

6. I don't drink wine, but if I did drink wine, I would be too much of a Snob to order the house wine.

7. I have no problem, however, ordering the house liquor. But that is because I only drink vodka tonics or cosmos and I see these as sophisticated and Snobby enough to not have to be made with an expensive liquor (my [ir]rationality is always an exception to my every Snob rule; and, I don't really have snob rules: I am a mere product of my parents' snob world).

8. I don't do rhinestones. If I can't have the real thing, I don't want to fake like I can.

9. I don't eat at chain restaurants (except for Bonefish Grill, because God Almighty, their bang-bang shrimp and salmon salad is unbelievable). And if I do, I don't order anything with a protein, because I have it in my brain that it is all processed and made of crushed up bones and sand.

10. I only wear 100% cotton underwear.

11. I love to go thrift-shopping for household items, but instantly itch all over as soon as I walk into a thrift store. I feel very dirty and imagine that I have microscopic bugs crawling all over me. I also will not touch any part of my face after entering a thrift store until I am able to wash my hands with soap and very hot water. (One time, I scratched my eye and literally thought that it was swelling to twice the size of my head, but it was just my imagination and phobia playing tricks on me.)

12. I DO NOT buy clothes from thrift stores. I just can't get past the fact that other people have worn, sweated in, and have most likely spilled bodily fluids on any and all of those garments. Blegh.

13. But my oxy-moronic self will only buy OLD things (think, furniture), which means that I have to visit thrift stores. I just need to get over myself.

I think that for right now, this is all that I will divulge of my inner-Snob, because I am beginning to hate myself. 

I hope you don't hate me though.

I love charities and being green! I braked for a squirrel this morning! And, I will probably eat vegetarian for lunch. I am trying to save history, one building at a time.

Don't. Hate. Me.


  1. I hate hate hate Wal-Mart. Every one I've ever been in just seems dirty. I don't feel that way in a Target, though. L-O-V-E Target.

  2. o target rocks my world. i didn't even get into that because that is an entire post by itself. one of these days, i will have a target love-fest post.

  3. You crack me up.
    Well as a mother I have had to change a lot about my snobby self because well, my snob-ish tendencies just weren't meshing well with motherhood.

    THAT being said - of course we don't hate you silly girl!! You are who you are and I love your blog and you because of who you are.

    I braked for a bird the other day - seriously bird - FLY AWAY ALREADY!!

  4. This post was hysterical! I have numerous examples of my Snobbishness but I am not so brave to post them. Go girl!! I have to say, I'm like Ams up above and a number of my snobbitudes (I am making up words today) had to be left behind when The Monster came along, but I have a feeling they were simply replaced by those more mommy/baby focused. :-)