Growing Up

Hubs and I will be heading to my parents' house this afternoon.

Its celebration time.

My little brother is graduating from high school.

Sigh.

I am officially old.

Happy Graduation, Jamie!
Congratulations!
I love you!

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Ok, so I know that not everyone loves Glee like I do, but please bare with me.
You might even become a convert if you follow along and do as I say.
Sounds a little sinister, right?
WELL I MEAN IT, YOU BETTER DO AS I SAY.
Ok, I really am joking.
On topic again, this past week's episode, the Gaga episode, was a revelation.
I actually do like Lady Gaga, well that isn't exactly true. I appreciate her status as a pop icon and I do enjoy a limited number of her songs (I am currently digging "Paparazzi." I know, I know. Everyone says its so overplayed, but I don't listen to mainstream radio, so I miss all of the redundancy.).
Her videos are quite entertaining. I'm just not into the whole techno thing. Or, all of the air humping.
I do, however, LOVE her songs when they are covered by the incredible members of the Glee cast thanks to the creative geniuses who can listen to a song like "Poker Face" (Exhibit A) and turn it into Exhibit B.
See what I mean below.

Exhibit A:


Exhibit B:


I wish that I had talent like that to hear the potential in a song to take it from scary techno to something so lovely that I can't stop listening to even at work where I sometimes (maybe all the time) forget that I am not alone and sing very loudly along with the tunes buzzing in my ear buds.
Embarassing.
But don't you agree that Exhibit B is, well, incredible?

I am shutting up now about Glee. I have been trying my hardest not to blog about it all week.
I have no will-power.
Have a fabulous holiday weekend!!!

A Welcome Break

So, after working all weekend and week, not getting to bed before 11:30 every night, finishing up my freelance assignment, dropping another $200 on the car, babysitting the monster, "kicking ass" (so said my boss) in my meeting yesterday morning and laying on the couch all last night with a splitting headache while Hubs worked late at the hospital, I have decided to take this morning off. I was in desperate need of sleep and just one moment to sit and think about nothing in particular.

God knows that I definitely don't want to think about the future. Things are too up in the air, too close to going exactly the way that I wanted them to go. And that part is really scary.

Being so close to having what you've been dreaming about for the past year and yet having no control over what happens next.

I need an interview and the only thing I have to rely on to get that interview is a few pieces of paper.

That's it.

That's scary.

I am so conflicted.
Part of me is counting down the days til the big move, so ready for a change, so ready to start something brand new with Hubs.
The other part of me is worried, discouraged by the moving process and wondering where in the world I am going to fit in the Wild State.
I'm worried about being lonely while Hubs studies his life away.
I've lived for nearly a year here in this city without any girlfriends (AND IT SUCKS) but at least I have had Hubs almost every time that I wanted him.
What am I going to have up there?

My alienation is really my own fault. I could call up any number of my girlfriends that live at the closest 2 hours away, but I have some strange physical and mental block when it comes to talking on the phone. I just don't do it. I forget to return calls or to even call in general. I'm not a phone talker. I want you to physically be with me. That's where I connect. (Yes, this is a totally lame cop-out, because I'm the worst friend ever.) Because I have some great friends. Friends like Hannah who will drive 2 hours just to hang out with me all day and make me laugh. Friends like Margaret who sends the best presents ever like the package of cosmopolitan ingredients and a gift card to the movies, so that I can feel like I have a girlfriend with me as I drag Hubs to see SATC2. I think I'm going to cry. No really. I think I am. I don't deserve any of that.

Anyways, I have been looking at Hubs' future fellow students a lot on facebook, scoping out potential new friends, and that had me even more worried.

There are so many varied ages among the students and their SOs. Its like half of them are married with children while the other half are fresh out of undergrad and read to par-tay.
You see, I'm stuck somewhere there in the middle.
And some of the people just seem so... OUT there. Like really out there. Like they are in bike gangs together and the guys wear girl jeans and they are OVER 25. Yeah..
I keep telling Hubs, "Dude, you are going to be the squarest person in your class."
Its true. He shall see.
I don't think I'm a square. I've always been told that I am just "freee." Whatever that means.
I think that I probably look like a square, but I've got way too volatile of a tongue to be one.
I guess what this boils down to is that I am extremely shallow, and yes, I do judge a book by its cover. So shoot me! And sign me up for the squares!

I digress. Back to my worries.

I'm not whining. I'm truly worried (remember, I'm a worrier).

And right now, I am scanning our crappy little apartment from my perch on our couch with its ugly supposed-to-be-navy-but-it-looks-purple slipcover and trying to picture everything packed up in cardboard.

Is there a 12 step program for packing?
How about one for making friends?
What about one for curing my inability to use a phone correctly?
There must be one for my extreme shallowness and quick-to-judge mentality.
Help?

Ok, I need to get off the couch now. Productivity is my friend.

Sorry for the Debbie Downer post. I have been fooling myself and you, my dear readers, for the past two weeks with photos and cheap talk. I apologize for submitting you all to my ridiculousness (as Hubs would call it).

Here. You're distracted:
We call this the high-dive tuck. Excellent form, Panther.

Tuesday with Monster

What did Monster and Aunt Beezy's morning look like?


Like this:

Complete with block stacking, posing, laughing, photo shooting, eskimo-kissing-turned-makeout-session. Perfect!

I love Hubs

**Warning: All of these pictures were taken from the comfort of the sofa. Their quality may or may not have suffered.**

But first, a tribute to the Panther-ball. A Panther-ball is a rarity that only a lucky few of us has ever stumbled upon. You have to be quiet. And stealth. You shouldn't even try if you've recently eaten fish. But sometimes, you get lucky and you catch the Panther-ball unawares.
Like this:

But this post is about Hubs and all of the wonderful things that he does for me, because he loves me and is the best. EVER.

First though, look at what we just threw $500 away for:

Ok, really, this is about Hubs. Look at the things that he has done for me, his baby (and creative genius):

(I use the past tense [was], because these two pieces were done during college, when I was unspeakably in love with anything in any shade of avocado green.)

I love this filing cabinet for its style. But, don't ask me to open it for you. Its a complete and utter disaster. I am forcing myself to tackle it before the move. It makes me break out in a sweat just thinking about it. It was a thrift store find in pretty bad condition, thus the paint-job. As we were painting it, streaks of rust began to run through the paint (although you can't really see it in the picture) and I actually love the look of it. Just haven't gotten the organization part down yet.

The chair was all Hubs. I picked out that beautiful shade of green and the very expensive fabric that thank God was 75% off because I saw it and had to have it. (Before: the chair was painted in a dirty shade of off-white and had the most horrifyingly shiny, pale blue floral fabric on the seat.) So, Hubs took it upon himself to recover the seat and paint it! And, it is definitely one of my favorite pieces, although his next creation might rival it:

So, yeah, this is pretty much the sexiest lamp I've every owned. For some odd reason, I only bought table and floor lamps with paper lantern shades (again, my college style was obviously immature and lacking and I have no reason why I chose the things that I did), and I am so over them right now. When I saw this lamp on the shelf of our neighborhood Goodwill, I knew that I had to make it into my--I mean our--I mean, Hubs' next project. It was sans a lamp shade, but I knew its potential. For $3.50, I bought the hunk of cream-colored sculpture and $14 of a lampshade and $8 of freaking fabulous zebra-striped micro suede fabric later, I had this beauty to call my own. Thanks Hubs!!

Don't judge us for eating our tacos on the couch. Ever since we threw away that $500, we can't help but drool over our new tv. (And I didn't get off work until 6 and we had to trudge through the grocery store before making it home to cook, so there!!)

Stroke My Big uh,uh,uh Ego

Happy Weekend to all!

This is my new favorite tune.

Beyonce, you rock my socks off.

Kanye, as long as you're behaving, I like you, too.

Enjoy!

(Where do I learn to dance like this?)

The first year of marriage brings...

***There are qualifications for the following list to apply to you and your significant other (SO):

1. At least one of you must be under 25
2. Both of you must be in some way shape or form beginning, about to begin, ending or trudging through some type of higher education
3. Neither you or your SO (significant other) can be an heir/heiress/oil tycoon/royalty/professional athlete/celebrity/hedge funder/trust fund baby/etc.

So, back to the list. The first year of marriage (for all of those who qualify) brings:

1. NO money, because even the few thou you racked up at the wedding is gone. Admit it!
2. Unexpected things that cost lots and lots of money (like car repair, or tonsillectomies, or a replacement laptop, etc.--and no, this is not a personal list--these are generalized observations that might be based off of my own experience--might be!)
3. Lots of fun, guilt-free time spent with the SO, because you're newlyweds and its expected.
4. Lots of free meals from family members who either remember those moneyless days or use food to bribe you out of doing #3.
5. Crazy ideas about drastically changing everything you've ever known to save a little money (like selling your or you SO's car and becoming a one car family = problems).
6. Justification of hating certain chores (like, your disgust for washing dishes and doing laundry is because your SO LOVES to do those two things. Duh! I should've known that! I mean, you or your SO should have known that, because this list is not specific to me at all. At all.)
[Weird.]
7. Fights over which side of the couch you prefer (LEFT!).
8. The pout face when you or your SO ignores the other for other distracting and frivolous things (like facebook, or the student doctor forums, or blogs, etc.).
9. Satisfaction, because it all just feels so right.
10. Lots of unnecessary purchases and gifts (some that you will feel bad returning, but YOU MUST!) because you're young and carefree and immature and don't know any better.
11. Lots and lots and lots of the best, heartbreaking-because-its-too-much-for-one-heart-to-contain LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope that this helps someone out there. These are definitely pertinent things that I wish someone would have shared with me before taking that ultimate dive into the freezing and bottomless depths of marriage.

BLAAGHHHHH

So, I am sitting in the Ford dealership as they do fancy things to our car (ahhh... the infamous "our") the likes of which is going to cost. Big time. Like $1,000. Yep, that is three zeros that you see.

Am I regretting the $500 dollar purchase of our brand new flat screen tv that we made Monday?

Why, yes. Yes, I am. How did you know?

So, I am sitting here--have been sitting here since 10am and a lot has been happening.

Things like near panic attacks when the guy told me just how many things needed to be replaced like all four tires and coils and plugs and yadda, yadda, yadda.

Things like near fainting spells as he tallied up how much all of those things would cost.

Things like frantic texting to Hubs at the hospital and incessant phone calls to my dad, reporting these incidences of highway robbery.

Things like crying over my keyboard as I transfer $1000 from one account to another.

Things like reflecting on yesterday's catch-up of RHNYC and how I now officially hate Kelly. See, I hate her this much:

Yes, that is a volcano erupting out of Kelly Bensimon's mouth, because, she is an idiot from another planet, who really should rehearse every word that comes out of her mouth before speaking so that she doesn't make herself look any dumber or loonier than she does already. Do not mess with Bethenny, Kelly, because you will lose (Go Team Bethenny!!). And actually, I would really like to see your credentials, because I DO NOT believe that you could have ever graduated from college. Who thinks that the phrase "making lemonade out of lemons" is negative? Oh, only morons? Right, well, you're a moron.

Wow, I think that I just took all of my car frustrations out on Kelly, but I still don't like her. At all. You deserved that Kelly. You did!

Well, all of my hopes and dreams for showing you all of the things I have accomplished in my spare time will not come to fruition because I was supposed to use today (you know, my "spare time") to finish all of those things, which is really annoying because I was so excited!! Oh well. Duty calls. Or, the money-hounds. What's the difference? Hmm...

I guess that next week will be a more likely time to show you my creations. The suspense..

ON A FREAKING FANTASTIC NOTE:

If you haven't been with me long enough on here to know about my and Hubs' less than 40 day move to the Wild State, you do not know about the totally awesome job opp that I went after with teeth bared and claws flexed back in December. What was this job opp? Oh, a measly little volunteer position at the local historical society that might get my foot in the door for eventual paid employment. But this dream, well, it was dashed back in March when I learned that their budget would not allow for another employee anytime soon, so I turned my attentions elsewhere. UNTIL TODAY. Because, literally minutes ago, I received a text from the director of said society that she has found another job and would be submitting my resume for the position.

What. Wait. What.  

WHAT!??

  

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY, I MEAN TYPE?!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!??!!?!?!?!?!

Does this mean that the Heavens have opened up and shone a light on my misery and had mercy on my poor, tortured soul?!?!

This almost makes the $1000 car bill insignificant.

ALMOST.

I'm going to go lick my money-less wounds now.

Tell me something funny. Quick!

10 Happy Thoughts & Tuesday with Monster

1. Hubs and I enjoyed a delicious dinner last night at Bonefish that reminded us why we never eat out. Apparently, our tummies aren't used to rich, fatty foods. But, it was still very enjoyable in the moment of consumption.

2. By tomorrow, I should be able to show all of you what has been keeping me busy. YAY.

3. The Panther has fallen in love with the new stool that Hubs and I bought with the hopes to recover it in the fab new material we found. This is good because it keeps her off the bar and counters, but bad because it is convincing me more and more that I need to have her declawed.

4. I do NOT have to go into work on Wednesday. But, I do have to apply for a million jobs and send in my resume. Blegh.

5. GLEE. Tonight. Thank God.

6. My plans for the chic apartment in the Wild State are coming to fruition. I love that Hubs loves my style and will let me do whatever I want.

7. I am no longer pale.

8. Its called a brand new 32 inch flat screen LCD tv, baby, and its all mine. Ow, ow.

9. SEX AND THE CITY 2! Need I say more?

10. Hubs' tonsillectomy and turbinate reduction only cost us about $900. Thanks to insurance and Hubs' employee discount that was a savings of about $5,000. Cra-Zy.

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Tuesday with Monster

How good are those cartoons?

Take-your-pants-off-good, apparently.

Beach Bound

Heading to the beach this afternoon for a weekend full of sun, vodka, sand, sun, good food and maybe some good shopping. Oh yeah, and sun.

Boy, do I ever need to get out of this town.

 I need this: Hubs, blue sky, sand and sun.

I have finally just declared this my birthday weekend to make up for the crappy day that became my unbirthday.

Have I thanked you yet for the birthday wishes?
No?
Well, in that case

Un-Birthday

I declare yesterday as my un-birthday, because it wasn't so great.

The hours between 8am and 11:30am sucked balls.

Yeah, those hours pretty much ruined my day.

Thank God that Hannah was there to restore me.

Her constant chatter and need to make me laugh was great.

We went to lunch at one of my favorite places, where we had great champagne.

But my lunch, a crabcake on a bed of lettuce with fennel and red peppers, well, it wasn't that great.

So then, we went shopping and I couldn't find a simple, everyday necklace or funky gold earrings.

That wasn't that great.

But then, we went to the fabric store and I found the perfect creamy suede, zebra-printed fabric to cover the lampshade for our thrift find.

That was great.


Notice a trend?

Then, I found this fabulous and sassy dress and really expensive looking cuff from Target.

All of which was totally great.

Then, I went home to find two guys still banging around on our roof, replacing it, and Hubs curled up sick on the couch.

So much for dinner plans and my clean house that had since been destroyed by rotten debris leaking from our ceiling because of all of the roof-banging.

That wasn't that great.

But then, I ate yummy leftovers of roasted red pepper risotto, asparagus and chicken cutlets.

It was great.

And then I talked to some great people who wished me a happy day, which it wasn't.

But, they were great.

And Modern Family came on, too.

Great!

Then Hubs agreed that we could pretend yesterday was not my birthday but that it was indeed my unbirthday.

And that was really, really great.

So, even though I cried myself to sleep after professing it to be the worst day ever, I am just happy to say that yesterday--the day from Hades--was my unbirthday.

I have all of my expectations on tonight's family celebration, where I am going to be VERY overdressed in my new dress and shoes and cuff. But, I don't care, because I have declared that today is my pretend birthday.

And right now that is so much better than the real thing.

Plus, I have this picture to cheer me up.

Which, how could this not cheer you up?

23

Well, today, I turn old.

Or, 23.

Don't be mad at me if you are older than 23 and think that I am being ridiculous.

I have Peter Pan Syndrome and cannot be blamed for my irrational conceptions of the passage of time.

If it makes you feel better, I turned old at 19, too.

I must say that so far, I don't feel any different.

I don't feel as if an era has come and gone.

You see, when I turned 22, I was sad and yet relieved.

22 was a big year for me.

I was sad because 21 had been such a great year that I wasn't at all ready or prepared for it to end.
Technically, I was still 21 when I graduated from college (May 9). See, 21 was just FAB.

I was relieved because to tell people that I was getting married at 22 seemed to agree with them better than if I had been 21.

Things that I am NOT going to do in this 23rd year of life:

1. Apologize for my age. I am younger than everyone at work by a good 4-5 years. They are always looking at me, dripping with nostalgia, saying things like, "Gosh, if I had had at your age what you have, blah blah blah." Or, "You're only 22! You have everything ahead of you." Or, "What I wouldn't give to be your age again." Or, "You are so young." Well, SOR-RY! Its not my fault!

2. NOT strive for maturity. I feel that I lost a little bit of myself these past couple of months of being in the Real World. I was so driven and focused on being serious and being taken seriously that I would come home exhausted with no energy. I didn't feel like a young, carefree 22 year old. I turned into a perfectionist freak who could not slow down or say no or just breath. When I yelled at a coworker who began to cry over work stress, I knew that I had gone too far. Apparently, maturity for me equals zero compassion.

3. I am not going to worry about money or about whether or not I am doing enough for my future. I am just going to live. And, I'm going to love Hubs. A lot. Because in the end, that is what matters the most.

4. I am not going to rush through anything. What's the point? It makes for a crappy result that will have to be redone anyways. Why not get it done right the first go round?

5. I will not fret or worry about getting older. I will just enjoy the passage of time and the fact that it ultimately is the only thing that gets you from Point A to Point B.

And now, I will shower, go to work for a few hours and then shop and drink my way across this city with bestie, Hannah. Can't wait!

Mean as Crap

It is no secret that I have a tongue capable of some lashing and a wit that's snarky to boot.

Combine these two and you get trouble. Or, you get me in trouble with Hubs for unleashing my biting sarcasm and unshakably truthful analysis of everything he or anyone else (for that matter) does.

Recently, Hubs has started this very endearing pantomime in those times of fire breathing. He flutters his fingers in the air around my head as if implying there is an imaginary banner plane flying circuits around my big head trailing this statement,

Mean as Crap:

For No Reason!!!!!

Very cute, Hubs.

To this I usually respond with my own version of an imaginary banner plane circling somewhere around Hubs that says,

Really Unnecessarily Annoying!!!

Touche, dear.

Example:

Sometimes Hubs is not the most attentive driver. He is a severe creature of habit. This trait sometimes oddly enough translates into driving. Like, we are driving down a road that if you were to take a right at the next light would take you to his mother's house. So, as we are driving down this road, heading for home, Hubs automatically gets in the right lane to take a right, when we should be in the left lane preparing to make a left.
See, habit. 

So, I say with a bit of sarcasm,
"Where ya going there, slick?" 

Hubs' response: Wiggling his fingers somewhere near my left ear, he says,
"Mean as crap: For no reason."

I attempt to bite my tongue and the laughter creeping up the back of my throat and say,
"Just making sure you didn't drive us to China and back."

He says,
"I'm going to go and cry in a corner now."

I say,
"Well, make it fast, I've got a lot to do in the next hour."

Example:
Its 10:30pm and we are laying in bed.
Hubs is setting his alarms.
I roll over to him and say,
"I disagree with your 4:30am alarm clock."
He rolls his eyes at me.
"I don't approve of it."
He turns on his 4:30am alarm clock.
"I don't think its fair that I have to be subjected to your 4:30am alarm clock. Its against my constitutional rights."
He calls me mean.

I know that you are all thinking I am the worst wife ever, but I love Hubs with my whole heart and soul and would never do or say anything to hurt his feelings.

But, I do love to tease him until he is forced to invent such fantastical things as the banner plane.

Which is frankly just classic and made me just want to pick on him even more or throw him down and submit him..

Oh, yeah. We think it probably looks something like this:

Happy Mother-to-a-Fur-Baby-Day to Me

So, I told the Panther: "Panther, do you know what would be the best Mother-to-a-Fur-Baby-Day present ever????"

Panther:

The Panther, Fall 2007

Me: "Mommy would really appreciate it if you would stay off of the kitchen counter and bar. You see, Mommy is a little sick of cleaning up your black hair that is literally everywhere. So, could you maybe do that for Mommy? It sure would save me some paper towels and frustration and money since every time I drop a piece of fruit on the counter and then have to throw it away because it has hair on it."

Panther:

The Panther, Spring 2009

Me: "You know, booger, Mommy would also really like it if you could wipe off your paws every time you exited the litterbox instead of running out fullspeed and jumping on the couch. I don't really enjoy sitting in a pile of gravely, scented litter. Think you could work on that one, freak?"

Panther:

  The Panther, Fall 2007

Me: "I was serious about the whole shedding thing. Think that we could come up with a solution for that before the big move to the Wild State, because Mommy really has her heart set on white couch covers?"

Panther:

 The Panther, Summer 2008

Me: "Or maybe we could talk about how every time you eat wet food you slobber it all over the tile, where it hardens and grosses Mommy out. Well, Panther, if you don't think you can do any of that, I guess that means I will have to work out a present of my own. Its BATH TIME!"

Panther:

 The Panther, Spring 2009

Me: "I guess that means that I will just have to get myself a present, too."

   New, fab earrings ($5) for me (with no makeup on) and the Panther, drying in the background

Cutting the Fat

No more whining!
No more tirades!
No more rants!

Because this blog does nothing but bring out my snarky, pessimistic and criminally cynical thoughts, comments and unending blubbering, I have decided that my next 5 posts will have nothing but happy thoughts.

If you can't say anything nice, you should shut the ef up. (On a sidenote: I don't use the "f" word. Never have, never will. Its dirtay.)

So, here's me shutting the ef up.

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And because I have done nothing but watch trash tv for the past couple of days, allowing me to catch up on some old favorites and get into some new favorites, I am having a (positive) dish on reality tv.

-Real Housewives of NYC:
Oh. MY. God. This past episode has me bawling into my bowl of rice (I was having some tummy issues that reduced me to the BRATT diet). I just want to call up Bethenny and give her the biggest hug ever. How awful are things for her right now in what should be the best time of her life???

And Alex, thank you for having the balls to put Jill in her place. Jill used to be my favorite housewife, but lately she has been frustrating the heck out of me. She really is a mean girl, who must be the center of attention.

"Jill? Bri calling. Can we have the old Jill back now? This one is sassy and funny at times, but is obviously attempting to overcompensate for the misery that her life has become since she cutout Bethenny."

And I actually have something nice to say about Ramona for once. These past two episodes have really changed my thoughts on Crazy Eyes. She does have a censor! And a heart!

I never have anything nice to say about the Countless Countess. (That was a typo!)

-The Hills
Oh. My. My. My. Heidi. Heidi. Heidi. I can't say anything nice about that transformation either, Heidi's mom. So, don't worry, you aren't the only one.

And, I could never have anything nice to say about Spencer. He's into crystals now though. Weird-O. (That's not mean. That's the truth.)

Audrina - Ryan Cabrera??? Really?????

Krsitin -

Lo - You are way too good to be on that show anymore.

Stephanie - Good for you for not drinking in Miami!

-The City
I discovered the entire last season of this on mtv.com and am currently obsessed!! I mean now that LC is gone from The Hills, I seriously doubt that Lo will be able to hold my attention. I really have never had nice thoughts about Kristin, but if I can have Whitney, I say that's just as good as The Hills with LC.

NICEST THING I COULD EVER SAY:

I WANT TO BE WHITNEY. I want to look like her. I want to dress like her. I want to wear a size -6 like her. Oh. Wow.

 

Ready to Move On

I am so bored with and sick of Columbia.

I am going stir crazy and I want out. NOW.

I think that my lifetime aversion for this city has been thus far masked by the whole newlywed thing. So far all of that marriage bliss mumbo jumbo has kept me occupied, happy and willing to not think about where we live, because I am living here with Hubs and that is perfection.

But, after 10 months (TEN MONTHS!!!!) of living here, I am ready for a change. I am literally on the edge of my seat, waiting to move to the Wild State. Crazy, huh?

I know that it is all my fault. I have never seen Columbia as home, never wanted to. It has always been a place of transition for me--a place for Hubs and I to just hang out (so to speak) until we moved on to the Wild State and then who knows where after that.

------------------------------------------------

God. I complain so much.
What this post really should have been about was how incredibly blessed I am to have been able to live in three different places in the span of 4 years and not about how miserable I am in this perfectly wonderful city.
Its funny (in an ironic not hilarious way) how quickly and easily we can be put in our place, reminded of our blessings.

I quite literally just received a text message from Hubs informing me that a man has just chosen to die this morning.
This man is the husband of an OR nurse that works very closely with Hubs on a daily basis.
This man has been on a ventilator for close to a month now.
As a child, he had his entire chest cavity radiated to treat the lymphoma that would kill him.
The early treatment completely destroyed his lung and heart tissue that now in his middle age can no longer support him.
He chose this morning to take himself off the of the ventilator that he can't live without.
Hubs said that today would be a long and painful day for him as he struggled to breath in his final breaths, but that today would be his last.

There's nothing quite like perspective to kick you in the ass and show you who's boss. And, I am talking about myself here.

I wonder what that sweet man would give to have just one more week in this city, or one more day with his beloved wife and children.

I should be shouting from the rooftops, "I LIVE IN COLUMBIA. AND I LOVE IT!"
because that would mean that I am still here--that I am still alive.

And if that's the case, then I guess that I really having nothing to complain about, do I?

If you have a chance and think about, send up a thought or prayer or whatever your form of well-wishing is for Richard.

Thirsty Thursday

First of all, this post has nothing to do with alcohol.

Actually, this post has nothing to do with anything really. I am currently biting my cyber-tongue.


You see, I have issues.

Issues like I ran out of deodorant in between armpits on Sunday morning, which meant that one armpit smelled powdery and clean like the Dove deodorant that it was sporting, while the other armpit smelled like Hubs and his tangy Speed Stick (because we had to be on the road in 5 minutes and its summer in the south, you know). The issue is that today, both of my armpits smell like Hubs and his tangy Speed Stick. Because, I haven't put Lazy in timeout and brought Proactive out of the closet yet and bought more deodorant.

Who knows if my armpits will ever again smell like powdery Dove? Who. knows.

I also have issues like I should actually be doing something about these 5 L.B.s that I want to rid myself of than daydreaming about magically being 5 L.B.s lighter without having to do anything (like getting off the couch and actually moving for once). Or, maybe if those 5 L.B.s could just migrate to the chest region, that would show that issue where to stick it. Maybe Hubs should invent a fat migration thingie that wouldn't require any cutting or slicing or dicing and zero recovery time. We could be MILLIONAIRES!

I have issues with my inappropriate outbursts at work. Like its probably not the best idea to yell, "You suck balls!" at the community laptop with your boss training a new (and impressionable) employee in the next room. But no matter what else I try, there are no other words or phrases that quite adequately express my true feelings in a moment like that simple and degrading statement.

I have issues with politics. Its. Just. Not. Worth. It. I am now apolitical. Thanks!

I have issues with blogs (but not with yours, dear reader) right now. I find so many of them to be boring (yawn) and a waste of the infinite cyberspace (and, that's saying something).

And now, I'm unleashing my tongue:

(Warning: Do not read beyond this point if you have any sensitive feelings about the Twilight Series. And by sensitive, I mean that if you in any way, shape or form loved that series, you should not read past this point.)

This is a rant about Stephenie Meyer and her stupid Twilight books (I warned you!).

A little background:
I put off reading these books for the longest time--through workshop after workshop of fellow students who whined and complained about her poor writing and weak characters and sloppy plot line and the fact that all of that badness rolled into one has made her a millionaire. But the news coverage of hundreds of screaming teenage girls and their mothers practically clawing off their faces in excitement for the release of books 3 and 4 haunted me until I finally vowed to see what all of the hysteria was about.

I read the first book. In two days. And not because it was that great, but because I was trying to get to the my-life-has-changed-forever-because-of-this-book part.

Hmm.. I never got to it.

(Nice) Thoughts:
-Mrs. Meyer had a good idea
-Mrs. Meyer knows her audience and knows how to satisfy them

(Truthful) Thoughts:
-I hated most everything about the majority of her main characters. In fact, the only characters that I actually believed and liked were Sheriff Swan, Carlisle and Rosalie.
-I did not like Bella at all. She was such a cliche. Cliche: Her pale skin that never tanned (like we didn't know right then that she would eventually become a vampire). Cliche: Her aversion for blood (give me a break..). Cliche: Her accident-proneness that often resulted in blood spurting from her body within the vicinity of a hungry and/or "new" human-abstaining vampire (ookkk). Cliche: Her rekindled childhood friendship with Jacob Black, who just happened to be a part of  a tribe that also just happened to be the fated enemies of the bloodsuckers. Blah, Blah, Blah.
-Edward: his description did not sound at all attractive to me; he was kind of corny (and yes, I know that he was from the early 1900s, but you would think that he would have picked up some of the newer lingo, right?); he seemed more like an animal to me than a bloodless monster
-Mrs. Meyer's vampires: I did not like most of her vampire characteristics. I did not like the fact that they were hard as stone, cold as ice, without blood, didn't have to breath, could run faster than the speed of sound, didn't have to sleep (break out the caskets!! just kidding...), etc., etc. I could quite honestly go on and on.
-My main issue with all of her vampire characteristics was that she made her vampire characters appear so human (feelings, looks, interactions) that to remove so many of those familiar human characteristics from them made it too unbelievable for me. I know, I know. Its fiction/fantasy, you aren't supposed to believe it because it isn't true. But that is where I disagree. The whole reason you read a book or watch a movie or see a play is because you are willfully believing (in make-believe) that what is happening on the page or on the screen or on the stage is real and that those characters are people or that those people are not actors, but they are in fact those characters that they are portraying. Confused yet?

My point is that I was not at all willing to believe that those characters were who they (or she) said they were. And the movie, which could have veered enough from the plot and characters to be good, failed.

I read the 2nd book soon after the first and that was the worst of both.

How convenient that love triangle between Bella, Edward (the vampire) and Jacob (the werewolf and the vampire's mortal enemy). Cle-Ver. But, not really.

And the acting in the movie. Ew. Not good.

So the whole reason for this rant was to set the stage for my final issue:

I had the best dream the other morning where I was a vampire. I don't remember my dreamself being made of stone or not having a pulse, and I definitely needed to breath. But, I do remember being hot and muggy and miserable. So, I asked my fellow vampire (who happened to be one of my coworkers) why I was so hot. I said, "I can't be hot right now. I'm a vampire! And the Twilight books said that vampires are perpetually cold and made of stone. I should be cool and comfortable right now and not hot!"

Needless to say, I woke up in a bad mood because I allowed Stephenie Meyer's ideas of vampires and what they are and are not made of determine my very first experience as a vampire. And it was a bummer.

Side note: Although I did not venture beyond the 2nd book, I know that Edward impregnates Bella in the 4th book. How could a being made of stone with ice cold skin and no blood harbor sperm? Just asking!

Because Sometimes I'm Just a Big, Fat Snob

(DISLAIMER: You may or may not completely and utterly hate my guts upon reading this post. Just saying.)

It is oh so true that sometimes I can be a Snob (notice the pretentious capitalization of the word; its like that).

Hubs and I sat down to list out all of the areas of my life in which I am a Snob (which he likes to point out and laugh about because I am ridiculous and he loves me for it) or take on Snobbish tendencies or the totally unqualified and Snobby, preconceived notions I often harbor.

The list was long (embarrassingly long, even for a Snob) after which Hubs decided a list of those things about which I am not a Snob would be much easier, much shorter and yet, still Snobby.

So, here is the list of the things about which I am not a Snob:

1. Cheezits - They are just too fantastically cheesy, salty and crunchy that to not love them with one's entire heart and soul would be a tragedy.

2. Ramen noodles - A childhood addiction that has carried over into adulthood, because nothing satisfies my need-to-gnaw-on-a-salt-lick-taste buds like those sodium-filled noodles of yum.

3. Shells and Cheese - Notice the cheesy, full of sodium trend here? Its bad!

4. I love Rite Aid brand products. There are zero Snob-feelings towards that magical Rite Aid brand salve that I slather all over my face twice a day. It is made of miracles and rainbows and baby bottoms.

5. Workout clothes--I live in them. Literally. And I don't care what you think (because I'm a Snob), because I meant to wear these workout pants even though I have no intention of working out.

6. The only makeup that I wear is face lotion, mascara and chapstick.

Well, that about sums up that list.


Now, on to a few of the things that allow me to call myself "Snob."

1. I am a huge grocery store Snob. I only like Publix, Earth Fare and Whole Foods. If I cannot shop at one of these 3 places, I will only buy brand name items and will gawk over the produce and meat selections until I can talk myself into actually touching either.

2. If I buy canned anything, it is brand name. And the only canned items that I buy are black beans, whole, peeled tomatoes (because if Giada and Barefoot Contessa can do it, so can I!) and sometimes if its the dead of winter and I can't get the fresh stuff, canned corn. And, Hubs and I do enjoy canned tuna, but only the kind packed in olive oil that costs $2.50 a can.

3. I do not go to Walmart for two main reasons. Reason 1: That store is entirely too big for its own good. And now, they sell caskets (freak-y). Reason 2: The people that shop at Walmart. Because for most of those people, going to Walmart is there one trip "out" for the week. And that is sad and oftentimes makes for very strange people, who I always seem to have run-ins with and would not want to meet in a dark alley or come cart-to-cart with in any Walmart aisle.

4. I may love TJMAXX, but I love it for its brand names. I will not buy anything from there unless it is a brand that I could buy in a reputable department store.

5. You would not catch me dead in the Junior's department of TJMAXX (am I crossing a line here?).

6. I don't drink wine, but if I did drink wine, I would be too much of a Snob to order the house wine.

7. I have no problem, however, ordering the house liquor. But that is because I only drink vodka tonics or cosmos and I see these as sophisticated and Snobby enough to not have to be made with an expensive liquor (my [ir]rationality is always an exception to my every Snob rule; and, I don't really have snob rules: I am a mere product of my parents' snob world).

8. I don't do rhinestones. If I can't have the real thing, I don't want to fake like I can.

9. I don't eat at chain restaurants (except for Bonefish Grill, because God Almighty, their bang-bang shrimp and salmon salad is unbelievable). And if I do, I don't order anything with a protein, because I have it in my brain that it is all processed and made of crushed up bones and sand.

10. I only wear 100% cotton underwear.

11. I love to go thrift-shopping for household items, but instantly itch all over as soon as I walk into a thrift store. I feel very dirty and imagine that I have microscopic bugs crawling all over me. I also will not touch any part of my face after entering a thrift store until I am able to wash my hands with soap and very hot water. (One time, I scratched my eye and literally thought that it was swelling to twice the size of my head, but it was just my imagination and phobia playing tricks on me.)

12. I DO NOT buy clothes from thrift stores. I just can't get past the fact that other people have worn, sweated in, and have most likely spilled bodily fluids on any and all of those garments. Blegh.

13. But my oxy-moronic self will only buy OLD things (think, furniture), which means that I have to visit thrift stores. I just need to get over myself.

I think that for right now, this is all that I will divulge of my inner-Snob, because I am beginning to hate myself. 

I hope you don't hate me though.

I love charities and being green! I braked for a squirrel this morning! And, I will probably eat vegetarian for lunch. I am trying to save history, one building at a time.

Don't. Hate. Me.

So Saturday

You had the potential to be a very annoying day.

For one, huge, problematic reason: WORK.

But, Saturday, you started out not so bad (except of course for the whole WORK thing). Oh yeah, and the horrible nightmare circa 7:30 this morning. This was a very bad dream indeed (in vivid color) complete with kidnapping, fire, murder and escape. That is all of the detail that I can get into right now, because I'm trying not to remember just how bad it was.

Besides the nightmare, Hubs was cuter than ever (in his soft pjs and sleep-stained face). The coffee was hot and strong. The pancakes (made by sleepy and very cute Hubs) were delicious as always.

And for once, I wasn't rushed getting out the door to be at work by 9:30. Thanks Universe.

The forecast called for storms and rain and thunder and RAIN! Which I thought meant that work (which consists of house tours of three of our house museums) would be minimal if not nonexistant.

WRONG.

But, the first tour was actually kind of enjoyable. Its nice to have people who are actually genuinely interested in what you are saying (and who are also more interested in learning something new than repeating much of the crap that they have picked up on other tours, because people who take tours of historic house museums are historic house museum ADDICTS and have been to almost every house museum that exists and are therefore experts, apparently).

I don't even want to get into the tour bus of 55 people (mostly very bored children) fiasco. Let's just say that it could have been really really bad, but turned out to be a welcome break in the day.

And then, there was my JimmyJohn's Turkey Tom sub with spicy mustard and provolone cheese that I had for lunch. That made things really good.

But then, there were the last two tours with the know-it-all Harley couple, who were way more interested in informing me about the history of MY FREAKING HOUSES than listening to my tour. DEEP BREATH.

But right after that, there was my sweet Hubs come to take me home.

We didn't go home though. Oh no, we stopped by the house that we will be housesitting next week to visit with the family and the sweet pups that we will be keeping. That was a nice little chat by the pool (that I am so taking advantage of all next week) with both dogs laying their heads in my lap because they love me and I love them.

And then, after that, because Hubs loves me more than life, we went thrifting. And for once, we actually found 2 really great things!!! And, as soon as I find a place for them and complete one of them, I will be sure to post pictures. SOOOOO EXCIIIITED.

Then, it was home to cook our yummy veggie lo mein that we have down to an art. We watched our habitual episodes of Friends, which I am only now beginning to appreciate and enjoy and couldn't go without.

When our tummies began to rumble for dessert, we went to the store. I had cupcakes on the gut and made a bee-line for the baking aisle. Hubs seemed at first very surprised and excited at the prospect of cupcakes. But, when we reached the cake mixes, Hubs and I began to argue over yellow vs. white cake mix (which who doesn't like yellow cake by the way!? Well, Hubs, apparently....). Then, Hubs informed me that he didn't really even want cupcakes. This resulted in me stomping up to the shelf and replacing the box of yellow cake mix, while I simultaneously ripped a box of white cake mix off the shelf and shoved it in the basket. Hubs picked up the white cake mix and went to place it back on the shelf. He put the yellow cake mix in the basket. I snatched it back out of the basket and told him that I was no longer in the mood for cupcakes. He said that we would make them anyways. I said that we didn't even have a cupcake pan. He said that we had mini cupcake pans (that fit in a toaster oven). I rolled my eyes and huffed, "Are you kidding? That would NOT be worth it." During this entire exchange, the Publix manager was restocking shelves all around us and finally asked if we needed help to which Hubs responded that we did not. And I responded with "No thanks. He is just really annoying me right now." Hubs then walked away and began to pore studiously over the jelly selection and tried to be all buddy-buddy with me about finding a seedless blackberry jam on sale. To which I replied, "I'm not helping you do ANYTHING right now." I stomped off mumbling under my breath about how annoying Hubs can be, when he made a brilliant comment about how we should maybe pick up some Green and Black organic dark chocolate to which I responded, "Sure, babe. Get whaaateeever you want. I don't care what you get! I'm getting a freaking candybar!!!" I got a butterfinger and reeses cups (which in the end weren't that great) and then I grabbed a thing of dark chocolate for Hubs, because even though he drives me absolute bonkers sometimes, I still love him and think of ways to please him.

We checked out and took our bags back to the car. Our next mission was to rent a movie from the movie box. But there was a line. As we waited in the parking lot (sitting on the back bumper of our car and staring down the really skinny girls getting movies from the box waiting very impatiently for them to finish), I informed Hubs that the solution to that whole cupcake argument could have been avoided had he just pretended that he did really want the cupcakes. And then, when I thought about it all, I demanded to know why he was going to make me get white cake mix when he knew that he wasn't even in the mood for cupcakes anyways. (NOW, I'M ANNOYED AGAIN.) So, after the too skinny girls got their movies, we tried to rent Its Complicated but the stupid movie box refused to give it up (which was a total bummer), so we had to get Men Who Stare at Goats, which was really weird and I still don't get, but it had some really funny parts (like when they were all tripping on acid--that was funny).

So, now, the day is nearly done and I can honestly say that it wasn't that bad. Just another day in the life of the Student Doctor and Me.