A little rant and rave...

I hate money.

But what I hate even more than that is admitting that

I hate that Will and I have so very little of it.

I hate the way it can change the outlook of your entire day,

when you check your bank account,

and you see the amount,

and you gasp,

and rack your brain trying to figure out where it all went.

I hate that it can make you panic,

gripping at your chest,

worried that you might not be able to pay that bill,

because you must pay that bill to survive

in any kind of comfort.

I hate that it can be such a heavy burden

to not have enough,

to think that you don't have enough,

will never have enough,

when there are so many more important things in life.

I hate when I allow money to effect me.

I hate that it matters so much,

and not so much to me,

but to the rest of the world.

I hate that I am the financial drain of the Jackson household.

I hate that Will has to work his butt off each week,

pulling way too long shifts

and taking weekend call,

when we should be home together,

being young and in love.

I hate that I contribute so little.

The phrase,

"But what you are doing now is the best thing for your future 

and being able to get a job then,"

rings so hollow in my ears.

Who knows if I even have a future?

This thing called life could all be over tomorrow

for all I know.

Do I really want to stand in front of the Pearly Gates,

so eager to get inside,

but not before I had to consider how much

better

freer

happier

more fun 

vibrant

more creative

lighter

more real

my life would have been had I not been so preoccupied by money

that man-made thing

that never really made anyone happy,

or really solved anyone's problems,

or really mattered that much to a person drawing their last breath.

I hate that I even have to consider all of these things.

I hate that I have to repeat this process every time I check our bank account,

and it is lower than I think it should be.

I hate that I don't trust God enough

to just let it go.

  

And,

I hate that I don't have the guts to admit it to Him

on my knees

everyday.