Thursday, January 21, 2010

Anarchy for one, please?

So, I have realized something about myself this week. It kind of hit me like a cold shower in the face, when I realized that the anger that I was feeling right then towards one of my bosses (you see, I'm juggling 5 jobs right now!) was enough to induce me to commit some serious physical harm to him or anyone, really, for that matter.

I have always known that I don't like to be wrong.

But, then again, who does?

And, I fully accept responsibility for believing that my way is the right way all the way and every time. Who can blame a girl for knowing what she wants, how to get it and what to do with it?

What I never realized though before now was how much of an issue I have with authority and how (nearly) impossible I find it to chew let alone swallow my (sometimes deserved, sometimes not) slice of humble pie from the before-mentioned authority.

Granted, my boss was totally in the wrong due to his lack of html command knowledge.

Yes, we are talking about a specific situation here.

See what I mean? I HAVE to have the last word. Period.

And, so I write an email in response to his slightly degrading, slightly ignorant voicemails with one of my famous snarky comments thrown in here and there. Then, I stab the send button with my cursor and a grunt of validation and victory.

Five minutes later though, I am too afraid to open my inbox. Afraid of the response.

Could he fire me for that stab at his intelligence, competence, etc.? 

Would he?

Oh, Dear God, has he opened it yet? 

Is there an unsend button?

All that excitement and worry for nothing.

His two word reply usually leaves me a combination of baffled, relieved and angry(?).

Lately, I have found myself prefacing statements, complaints, comments, arguments with "Now, I don't have a problem with authority, at all, but it really irritates me when (fill in blank), and then tells me to (fill in blank) when I've already (fill in blank). It was my idea anyways! I'm the brainchild behind this whole thing. But, no appreciation or acknowledgement. UUUGHHHH!"

But, really, I don't have a problem with authority.

I would just rather be the one with it.

It is a position that I could totally get used to.


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